Hello my dear Mountain...

It's been almost a month since I stopped writing in my Kilimanjaro Diary and will soon be 3 months since my climb was complete...

I remember feeling almost annoyed during the last day of descending. Going down was hurting my knees and there was nothing really to look forward to, except for safari. For some reason it didn't inspire me as much. Under any other circumstances I would go crazy about a safari, because I like animals so much. But in comparison to the climb it seemed unimportant. Not even that. I couldn't possibly begin to compare the climb to safari...

Slowly walking down, lower and lower. Engaging my mind with conversations about other peoples lives, about my own life. A strange sinking feeling of sadness was slightly touching my heart. I thought I imagined it and kept it unnoticed. For all 5 days of safari. For 2 more weeks. For another 3 months. Until it hit me tonight right in the middle of watching "Out of Africa" for the 10th time.

What am I even sad about?!

When looking into the eyes of Meryl Streep I could so easily see what she was looking at. I was smelling the hot air of savannah, the softness of dirt after the rain, and I could see my beloved Mountain at a distance... Or I thought I saw it. It reminded me how connected I felt with myself throughout the adventure...

I remember how precise my packing list was and how I was able to make use of every little thing I brought with me for the climb. I can also track my memories as far as November 2010 when I started physically preparing for the trekking, slowly eccelerating my excersising routine. Every day mattered, I was truly driven to fulfill a certain amount of hiking as well as running. It was so easy, because I enjoyed it so much!

Probably for the 1st time in my life I was able to be so disciplined for no other reason but climbing the mountain...

Now that everything is 3 months behind me, I realize how much I've been missing her, Ms Kilimanjaro, my dear shy lady, my whale floating in the sky, my mountain of emotional freedom... I allow myself to miss you and cry about you. I am glad I have this blog and that I can come back here any time I want and just be with you, tell you stories about my life and what I've been doing since I left you...

I started taking Tai Chi classes, you know? Yes, a week after my arrival I felt that if I didn't come up with something else to keep myself fully engaged in my own life, I will just go crazy. So I decided to do something I always liked - Martial Arts, a slow version though.

I've been training for 2 months now, learning Form 24 and Figure 8 with Tai Chi Sword. I am even thinking that one day I might go to Shaolin and practice there for a month with the monks... Obviously, I like exploring new territories:) These days I am training for a competition which will take place on May 28th.

I started a Martial Artist's diary, but was not quite able to keep up with blogging in it... For some reason it felt cold and disconnected for me. So now that I feel a flow of conversation between you and me, I think I would want to continue blogging about my Tai Chi experience here as well. At least you can hear me:) I know in my heart that you can. Or is it that I can finally hear myself?

When an adventure is over and you put so much effort and love into it, it's pretty hard to come up with something else to replace it. In my case I was not able to separate Kilimanjaro experience from the rest of my life. Having learnt to be disciplined and inspired through the preparation for the climb, I simply couldn't stop climbing. When I stopped blogging I sort of lost my connection with Kilimanjaro and in a way I lost some connection with myself...

After watching "Out of Africa" my nostalgic sadness became too overwhelming. It's been filling me up all this time and couldn't help but spill through my eyes, as the rain falls over the dry land of Africa. I was talking to a friend of mine shortly after that and when asked how I am feeling, I said:
"I think I just realized how much I've been missing Kilimanjaro..."
"You have the power to always go back in your memories or in real life" - followed my friend's response.
"Yes, I know... But it feels like somebody died and I didn't give myself a chance to grieve about that person"
"Somebody who?"
"I don't know. A part of me? It's just that the feeling is very similar to that of grieving over a loss..."
"Isn't it interesting how one must lose oneself to find oneself?"
"Yeah...Very weird... What if it's all an illusion?"
"What if? It is an illusion... Because we never really lose our true self. It remains constatnt. We just find new ways of relating to ourselves through our journeys and transformations."
"I know... But it's so damn hard!"

It's been hard and at the same time easy, like everything else in life. It's all about how we chose to relate to ourselves anyway. In this case everything else can remain as illusory as it is. It simply doesn't matter. Our own connection with ourselves is what matters. This is the only way we can truly connect with other people and experience paradise on Earth.