Today is the last day and the last entry in my Kilimanjaro Diary. I feel a little bit sad that it is all over. This diary has been my good friend since November 2010 and played an essential role in my preparation for climbing Kilimanjaro and for the climb itself. It taught me to be honest with myself, to support myself, to listen to myself. I laughed and cried in my diary, felt helpless, annoyed, scared, happy, excited, enthusiastic - I went through all sorts of emotions and climbed the mountain:)
We got back to Springlands hotel in Moshi early afternoon on January 31, 2011. It took us about 4 hours to get from Mweka Camp at 10,065 ft (3,068 m) to Mweka Gate at 5,380 ft (1,640 m). Going down a stony trail seemed endless! I was talking a lot with guys from my group and there was nothing or little said about Kilimanjaro. I didn't have any feeling of accomplishment or achievement. If I had no memory of climbing this mountain, I could easily say that I didn't do it. It felt like nothing had changed. I couldn't see any change in myself either, except for my face, which got so bitten by the wind and burnt by the sun, that I was barely able to recognize it... It was red, very dry, scratchy and hurt a lot when I put aloe vera on it.
The funny thing was that while we were climbing Kilimanjaro for 7 days I didn't use a mirror at all. In everyday life we see our faces when brushing teeth, or combing hair, for girls - putting on make-up, or checking out our clothing fit. We familiarize ourselves with our face with the help of the mirror, because we never really see it otherwise. I always found it amazing that we can easily see other people's faces, but never our own... For 7 days of not seeing my face I almost forgot what I looked like. I also thought that through this climb something inside me will change and it will somehow be reflected in my face. So I was really looking forward to seeing my "new" face. It turned out that I could hardly bear looking at myself in the mirror! I so much wanted to enjoy the rest of my stay in Tanzania and 5days of safari fully, without having to be distracted by itching, scratching, hurting and feeling uncomfortable all the time. I was extremely proud of myself for going to Africa and climbing Kilimanjaro, but I just wanted to have my "old" face back...
I remember sitting outside my safari tent in Serengeti in the evening right before dinner. There was a symphony of sounds playing all around me: persistent crickets, a far away thunderstorm, people chatting in a gazebo, a moan of some large animal at a distance... Fresh and cool air, tender breeze lightly stroking the grass. And in that beautiful and tranquil moment I almost burst out crying.
I couldn't say that I had some huge expectations from Kilimanjaro. I took one step at a time and really enjoyed being present throughout 3 months of preparation and the climb itself. I treasured every single moment, I imbibed all sensations, I embraced all experiences. When the climb was over, I was still on my adventure and having a wonderful safari, but I stopped feeling present. I completely flipped over. I felt as if my heart was moaning, spreading the sound across Serengeti, joining other numerous sounds in a spontaneous composition of the African symphony, reminding me of my humanness... In a couple of days I was flying back to Los Angeles, where my whole life situation was sort of hanging in the air. For about a year I've been transitioning into Intuitive/Spiritual Counseling career, still not being able to make a living with it. Continuously studying, relying on unemployment and having to take care of myself. I chose to live in a foreign country, leaving my entire family in Russia. I don't have a regular job, and thrive on helping people with their spiritual growth. Nor do I have this special person in my life with whom to share all the joys, sorrows, wonders and love... Even though I do have many beautiful friends, it sometimes feels so damn scary and lonely!
...and then I suddenly remembered my Psychosynthesis homework assignment at the University of Santa Monica I did in April, 2010. The best I can describe it as a meditation or self-hypnosis. I chose the exercise of "The Inner Dialogue" in which you are required to go on top of the mountain and see what will come forward to you...
First I saw myself in a valley, I was a little girl, may be 10 y.o. I was wearing a lavender-printed dress and was picking up flowers. I felt very happy and relaxed. Then my attention was drawn to the mountain and I was supposed to embark on my journey there, but I didn’t seem to have any sense of readiness or expectancy. I was lingering around the flowers and felt very distinctively that there was my voice calling for me to go into the forest and start proceeding towards the mountain…
Then, all of a sudden, I saw another me, already an adult, wearing jeans and a
sailor’s striped t-short with long sleeves, climbing up the mountain. I felt the sharp stones with my feet and hands. After awhile they were bleeding and hurting. I sat down on a big stone and started crying. I was upset and in pain. When I calmed down, I continued my way up and once I got enveloped by the cloud, all my wounds healed and as if I became weightless. I stood up straight and was walking up like this quite easily.
When I reached the very top of the mountain, I felt very refreshed, my clothes were very clean and I was even wearing shoes. I started walking along the plateau, and at a distance I saw a luminous point. It approached me and I saw that it was white light, it enveloped me and as if transcended into me. It was quiet, I could hear my breathing, but there was nothing else happening and I didn’t see anybody.
Then I saw a bench and sat down on it. I felt very calm and relaxed. I turned around and saw a pond and decided to drink some water. I leaned towards it and saw my own eyes in the reflection. They were staring at me, as if they were not my own eyes, but somebody else’s. The next moment many swans landed on the pond and bowed their heads in front of me. A male figure started approaching from the other side of the pond and he looked like a King. He was walking on the water and he was wearing royal clothes and a crown. In his hand he was carrying another crown.
I was standing in front of him when he came up closer. On each side of the pond there were swans with their heads bowing down. The King put the crown onto my head and gave me his hand to help me up onto the pond. I proceeded on the water towards the throne I could see on the other side. The King was following me. He helped me up on the throne and kneeled next to me.
Thus I was sitting on the throne in my tight blue jeans, wearing a striped sailor’s t-shirt with long sleeves and a crown on my head. And then I heard the voice: “You don’t have to worry about anything. You will always be completely taken care of” And I said “But what about work? I need to work!” “Queens do not work” – I heard the reply. I felt very balanced, empowered, whole and full of gratitude. “Thank you. Thank you very much” – I repeated several time and then asked again: “When will I be taken care of in my present situation?” And the answer followed: “You are being taken care of right now, with every breath that you make”
I was amazed by the experience I had doing this exercise and at the same time very disconcerted. How was I supposed to take this “Queens do not work”? I got laid off a week before and was looking for a new job. Then I heard my inner voice asking me:
"What do you think Queens do?"
"I don’t know. I am not a Queen." - And a dialogue between my mind and the voice in my heart began.
"What if you are? A different kind of Queen, not the one people are usually used to?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if inside of you there is so much power and energy that can only be compared to that of a manifestation of a Queen?"
"Okay, I can believe that."
"What prevents you from using this energy?"
"I am scared of it."
"Why are you scared?"
"I am scared that I won’t be able to use it …"
"Does it make you happy when you withhold it?"
"No, it makes me feel quite miserable…"
"Remember, you always have a choice. Inside your heart you know what makes you happy. By choosing to be miserable you avoid following the passion of your heart. Having done this for so many years you have gotten used to the comfort of repeated misery. It is by choosing to be happy you will become responsible for your life and will be able to come into your full power which will allow you to blossom."
"Yes, I know this. It is the little girl. The little girl who remained in the
valley picking up flowers being afraid to go through the dark forest…. The grown-up me climbed up the mountain hurting her feet and hands, but she did it anyway. I really want to go back to the exercise and help the little girl go through the forest. It is really important for me to do this!"
"Please do. I will keep the space for you communicating with the little girl."
"Thank you…"
And so I went to meet the little girl in the valley, but it was already night. The starry sky was overwhelmingly beautiful and the moon was shining its light on the field of flowers. The little girl was exactly where she stayed before, she was still picking up the flowers. I came up to her and we started talking.
When I asked her if she could go through the forest, she said no. She didn’t want to
explain why, and her resistance was very strong. Surprisingly, I didn’t get angry, just hugged her and said that I love her. Then she opened up to me and said that she was afraid to grow up. She didn’t want to go through the forest, because it would make her a grown up and then I wouldn’t need her and she wouldn’t know how to live. I started crying, tears were coming out with so much force and my heart was beating
incessantly as I continued to hug the little girl, continuing to tell her how much I love her...
Through my tears I asked her for help. I said I would not be able to do anything without her help, that she is the strongest, most creative part of me which I would never dare to let go of. She looked at me calmly and said: “Okay, I will help you. I will go through the forest”. As she was walking along the moon-lit path in the forest, a white dove flew above her. She was very confident and devoid of any fear. She approached a little meadow filled with beautiful white flowers. She walked into the middle, and as she did, the white warm rain started pouring onto her. It continued until her entire body became luminously white. As she was exiting the forest the sunrise was emerging and I could see her as a shining spot approaching the mountain. At the mountain she turned into a white dove and flew up to
the top effortlessly. The dove was wearing a little lavender flower on the neck.
On top of the mountain it was already morning and everything was lit up by streaming
golden light. The dove saw me as the Queen sitting on the throne surrounded by white
swans and landed on my shoulder. I picked her up on my palm and brought closer to my
face. “Thank you for doing this for me”, I said. The dove nodded her head. I lifted the dove up in the air just as I was standing up and the peaceful grace that entered my heart at that moment was incomparable to anything I had experienced before…
By remembering the psychosynthesis experience on that night in Serengeti, I realized once again that there is no need for me to feel scared or lonely. There is no need to feel sorry for the fact that my Kilimanjaro adventure is over and that I practically do not know what to do next. There is no need to linger on any sadness, because life is too beautiful not to be present in every moment of it. Let it be. Let yourself be.
"My intention is to enjoy every moment of my life to the fullest. My intention is to be present. My intention is to be happy. My intention is to simply be and embrace who I am." - I surrendered to the darkness of the African night, which obscured my face and ignited the light in my heart. Kilimanjaro was somewhere there in the dark as well, I couldn't see it, but I knew of its presence. I also remembered what it felt like to climb to the very top and see the vast endless sky. "We should live closer to the sky," - I thought. "We should always follow the dreams in our heart, because, probably, this is what life is all about".
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Day #6, January 29th, 2011
I woke up at 11:30 pm on January 28th. I could tell it was very cold and windy outside. The first thought I had was a Russian proverb: "A good master won't take his dog out in such weather!" Oh, well... 4 bottom layers including silk ski underwear, leggins, hiking pants and ski pants. 8 top layers including silk ski underwear, a woolen tank-top, 2 thermal long-sleeved shirts, a fleece vest, a woolen sweater, a soft-shell jacket and a down jacket with a hood. 3 pairs of woolen socks. A faux fur hat and a mask for the face. Ski goggles. Ski gloves. Glove warmers. A bit of snacks. Some medicine. A camel pack with water. 1 hiking pole. A head lamp. I was obsessed with details not to forget something important. More than anything I wanted to make sure I will be warm and yet able to move:)
I met the other 7 guys from my climbing group in the dining tent. We had some warm tea with cookies. We didn't seem to talk as much as usual, everybody was very focused and a little bit tense. Right before our guide came to get us, I ran to the tent with the toilet, hoping that I won't have any desire to pee during the climb. It seemed unimaginable to me in those conditions. The wind was so strong that it looked like I would be blown away together with the tent...
Thus at 12 midnight our guide, 3 assistant guides and 8 of us began the final ascent. It was pitch dark and we were all wearing head lamps. I was walking right behind our guide and the rest of the group was following me. Obviously, I was the slowest:) 3 assistant guides were sort of all over, or at least it seemed so. They were watching out for us and it gave me a lot of comfort. We were walking on some dense sand and the incline was very steep. The trail ran as a spiral, but it was hard to tell because of the darkness all around us. There were moments when I would lift my head and instead of the circle made by my head lamp on the ground in front of me, I would see little lights moving up the mountain - those were people ahead of us and it seemed awfully high! So mostly I tried not to look anywhere and just concentrate on my steps...
Every step was making me very tired. I was breathing through my mouth so heavily as if I just ran a marathon. While I was barely moving my feet! "Come on! Don't sleep! We are almost there, keep moving!" - encouragement coming from our assistant guide Attily didn't help, but made it rather irritating. I was going at the speed my body was allowing me without any unpleasant consequences and couldn't go any faster. Really, going even a tiny bit faster was unfathomable.
We would have stops quite often. May be every 30 minutes. Every time I would find a stone to sit on quietly and balance my breath. I was happy I was very warm and if not the biting wind on my face and consistently being out of breath, it would be much better. I couldn't wear the face mask, because I felt like I needed more air. The hood was protecting my face a little bit, but the wind was still very strong and I could feel it all over my cheeks...
The assistant guides sang songs and talked a lot, while none of us was saying much of anything. When you need all your energy to breathe, there is no more left for words:) Though I was still indulging myself with thoughts and I knew that it was the only thing I could control. During 7 hours of uphill strenuous hike at a snail pace in excrusiating cold and merciless wind, at the altitude above 18,000 feet, I was engaging my mind with... setting intentions. This is something I learned during my Spiritual Psychology course as well as read in the book by Wayne Dyer "The Power of Intention". I felt like climbing Kilimanjaro was the best way to practice this spiritual "magic wand":) "My intention is to be strong. My intention is to feel well. My intention is to be healthy. My intention is to make it to the top." Hundreds and hundreds of times I was repeating this intention mantra. My mind was very clear and my emotional state was very balanced.
After several hours I had a very strange feeling of appreciation. It came right from my heart and practically overwhelmed me. "THANK YOU so very much, my dear BODY for allowing me to do this climb! And for being so strong and helpful to me in every way possible!" My eyes got teary and my heart was overflowing with love and joy. It was a moment of grace, surrender and deep appreciation for my human body, which my spirit is inhabiting. There was no ego identification with "I am doing it, I am achieving the top of the mountain, etc". There was only gratitude and unconditional love. At that same very moment I thought about all the people from my class at the University of Santa Monica, all my friends all over the world, my family in Russia, all the people I ever met... - and I suddenly felt very connected with all of them. As if I stepped into some ethereal room where every soul meets and acknowledges each other. Time stopped. There was no past or future. There was no mountain. There was no cold or wind. And at the same moment there was everything, but from a completely different perspective. Is this how God observes the world?
At 7:10 a.m. we all reached the famous Uhuru Peak at 19,341 ft (5,895 m). The "Roof of Africa" felt bare, simple, calm and very spread out. It mostly felt like some alien field on another planet where they've already developed space tourism and it was a top destination. A sort of "Marsian Venice" with glaciers instead of canals. Anyway, does anybody want to take some pictures?:)
After the pictures were taken, our group was back on track for the final descent, which turned out to be quite strenuous as well. It resembled sliding on your feet on a mountain of sand. A very strange feeling, especially if you've never done it before. I am glad I had some skiing experience in Whistler, Canada right before flying to Tanzania!
When we reached Barafu Hut I was completely exhausted. We slept for 2 hours, then had lunch and another 5 hour hike to Mweka Hut, where I am right now. Tomorrow is the last day, we start at 7 a.m. and will already be at the hotel around 10 a.m. Shower! Yay!
I just had 3 beers "Kilimanjaro" and feel very tipsy. So I should probably go to sleep right now.
That's it, I guess:)
I met the other 7 guys from my climbing group in the dining tent. We had some warm tea with cookies. We didn't seem to talk as much as usual, everybody was very focused and a little bit tense. Right before our guide came to get us, I ran to the tent with the toilet, hoping that I won't have any desire to pee during the climb. It seemed unimaginable to me in those conditions. The wind was so strong that it looked like I would be blown away together with the tent...
Thus at 12 midnight our guide, 3 assistant guides and 8 of us began the final ascent. It was pitch dark and we were all wearing head lamps. I was walking right behind our guide and the rest of the group was following me. Obviously, I was the slowest:) 3 assistant guides were sort of all over, or at least it seemed so. They were watching out for us and it gave me a lot of comfort. We were walking on some dense sand and the incline was very steep. The trail ran as a spiral, but it was hard to tell because of the darkness all around us. There were moments when I would lift my head and instead of the circle made by my head lamp on the ground in front of me, I would see little lights moving up the mountain - those were people ahead of us and it seemed awfully high! So mostly I tried not to look anywhere and just concentrate on my steps...
Every step was making me very tired. I was breathing through my mouth so heavily as if I just ran a marathon. While I was barely moving my feet! "Come on! Don't sleep! We are almost there, keep moving!" - encouragement coming from our assistant guide Attily didn't help, but made it rather irritating. I was going at the speed my body was allowing me without any unpleasant consequences and couldn't go any faster. Really, going even a tiny bit faster was unfathomable.
We would have stops quite often. May be every 30 minutes. Every time I would find a stone to sit on quietly and balance my breath. I was happy I was very warm and if not the biting wind on my face and consistently being out of breath, it would be much better. I couldn't wear the face mask, because I felt like I needed more air. The hood was protecting my face a little bit, but the wind was still very strong and I could feel it all over my cheeks...
The assistant guides sang songs and talked a lot, while none of us was saying much of anything. When you need all your energy to breathe, there is no more left for words:) Though I was still indulging myself with thoughts and I knew that it was the only thing I could control. During 7 hours of uphill strenuous hike at a snail pace in excrusiating cold and merciless wind, at the altitude above 18,000 feet, I was engaging my mind with... setting intentions. This is something I learned during my Spiritual Psychology course as well as read in the book by Wayne Dyer "The Power of Intention". I felt like climbing Kilimanjaro was the best way to practice this spiritual "magic wand":) "My intention is to be strong. My intention is to feel well. My intention is to be healthy. My intention is to make it to the top." Hundreds and hundreds of times I was repeating this intention mantra. My mind was very clear and my emotional state was very balanced.
After several hours I had a very strange feeling of appreciation. It came right from my heart and practically overwhelmed me. "THANK YOU so very much, my dear BODY for allowing me to do this climb! And for being so strong and helpful to me in every way possible!" My eyes got teary and my heart was overflowing with love and joy. It was a moment of grace, surrender and deep appreciation for my human body, which my spirit is inhabiting. There was no ego identification with "I am doing it, I am achieving the top of the mountain, etc". There was only gratitude and unconditional love. At that same very moment I thought about all the people from my class at the University of Santa Monica, all my friends all over the world, my family in Russia, all the people I ever met... - and I suddenly felt very connected with all of them. As if I stepped into some ethereal room where every soul meets and acknowledges each other. Time stopped. There was no past or future. There was no mountain. There was no cold or wind. And at the same moment there was everything, but from a completely different perspective. Is this how God observes the world?
At 7:10 a.m. we all reached the famous Uhuru Peak at 19,341 ft (5,895 m). The "Roof of Africa" felt bare, simple, calm and very spread out. It mostly felt like some alien field on another planet where they've already developed space tourism and it was a top destination. A sort of "Marsian Venice" with glaciers instead of canals. Anyway, does anybody want to take some pictures?:)
After the pictures were taken, our group was back on track for the final descent, which turned out to be quite strenuous as well. It resembled sliding on your feet on a mountain of sand. A very strange feeling, especially if you've never done it before. I am glad I had some skiing experience in Whistler, Canada right before flying to Tanzania!
When we reached Barafu Hut I was completely exhausted. We slept for 2 hours, then had lunch and another 5 hour hike to Mweka Hut, where I am right now. Tomorrow is the last day, we start at 7 a.m. and will already be at the hotel around 10 a.m. Shower! Yay!
I just had 3 beers "Kilimanjaro" and feel very tipsy. So I should probably go to sleep right now.
That's it, I guess:)
Friday, March 11, 2011
Day #5, January 28th, 2011
It's so freaking cold and windy that I cannot describe it. It's around 7 p.m. and we are at Barafu Hut at the altitude 15,331 ft (4,600 m). In about 5 hours we will start the ascent to Uhuru Peak...
Today was a very easy day. We hiked only for about 3-4 hours, then had lunch and slept the rest of afternoon until dinner. The sun was heating up my tent and it was very warm inside, so I slept really well.
I will make an effort to sleep some more after I make this entry and I really hope that the wild wind outside will not blow off my tent! Right now I wouldn't even dare to go outside... Besides the wind, there are so many stones around that when I am walking I make sure I see where I am stepping. Some stones are very large, others are small and the rest of the ground is covered with little stone "plates". I don't even know what to call them, but they look like you don't want to risk falling on them...
So, our guide said that the final ascent which is starting at midnight will take approximately 5-6 hours and if we are lucky, we'll be able to meet sunrise at the top of the mountain. I am praying for myself and for the seven guys from my climbing group that we'll all be able to acclimatize well for the rest approximately 3,300 ft (1000 meters) of the altitude. I've been taking Diamox for 4 days now and drinking plenty of water, therefore my acclimatization so far has been going really well.
How am I feeling? Of course, a little bit nervous, because what will happen to me during the final ascent is completely out of my control and I don't even know what to expect. No doubt, I want to make it to the top, but there is no guarantee. Where I am right now is the highest I've been in my life, both literally and figuratively. I am very proud of myself! I've been on such a journey all these years and I feel blessed that I got to do this climb.
I still don't know what compelled me to undertake such a challenging adventure, but I know for sure that it feels really good! Despite having to sleep in a tent for 7 days, sometimes in freaking cold and with no shower, as well as all the physical effort I have been putting into it. It is so wonderful to be open for something so absolutely new, so unimaginably foreign and unfamiliar. I feel how the horizon of my knowledge about the human body and mind has become much broader than it has ever been. There is so much victory in having a dream and making steps to accomplish it. Though I cannot say that Kilimanjaro was a dream. I think I was simply destined to climb this mountain for reasons still unknown to me...
Relentless, monotonous, very slow walking. This is how you approach the mountain which has been waiting for you for a million years. She teaches everybody a different lesson - the lesson one needs to learn at this particular time. It's an ustoppable process of getting to know oneself better. Of accepting and appreciating oneself to the fullest. Of loving oneself and being there for oneself no matter what.
My intention for the final ascent is to be healthy and very well acclimatized, to be strong, to be warm and comfortable in my clothes, to be safe and protected.
God, please, help me!
Today was a very easy day. We hiked only for about 3-4 hours, then had lunch and slept the rest of afternoon until dinner. The sun was heating up my tent and it was very warm inside, so I slept really well.
I will make an effort to sleep some more after I make this entry and I really hope that the wild wind outside will not blow off my tent! Right now I wouldn't even dare to go outside... Besides the wind, there are so many stones around that when I am walking I make sure I see where I am stepping. Some stones are very large, others are small and the rest of the ground is covered with little stone "plates". I don't even know what to call them, but they look like you don't want to risk falling on them...
So, our guide said that the final ascent which is starting at midnight will take approximately 5-6 hours and if we are lucky, we'll be able to meet sunrise at the top of the mountain. I am praying for myself and for the seven guys from my climbing group that we'll all be able to acclimatize well for the rest approximately 3,300 ft (1000 meters) of the altitude. I've been taking Diamox for 4 days now and drinking plenty of water, therefore my acclimatization so far has been going really well.
How am I feeling? Of course, a little bit nervous, because what will happen to me during the final ascent is completely out of my control and I don't even know what to expect. No doubt, I want to make it to the top, but there is no guarantee. Where I am right now is the highest I've been in my life, both literally and figuratively. I am very proud of myself! I've been on such a journey all these years and I feel blessed that I got to do this climb.
I still don't know what compelled me to undertake such a challenging adventure, but I know for sure that it feels really good! Despite having to sleep in a tent for 7 days, sometimes in freaking cold and with no shower, as well as all the physical effort I have been putting into it. It is so wonderful to be open for something so absolutely new, so unimaginably foreign and unfamiliar. I feel how the horizon of my knowledge about the human body and mind has become much broader than it has ever been. There is so much victory in having a dream and making steps to accomplish it. Though I cannot say that Kilimanjaro was a dream. I think I was simply destined to climb this mountain for reasons still unknown to me...
Relentless, monotonous, very slow walking. This is how you approach the mountain which has been waiting for you for a million years. She teaches everybody a different lesson - the lesson one needs to learn at this particular time. It's an ustoppable process of getting to know oneself better. Of accepting and appreciating oneself to the fullest. Of loving oneself and being there for oneself no matter what.
My intention for the final ascent is to be healthy and very well acclimatized, to be strong, to be warm and comfortable in my clothes, to be safe and protected.
God, please, help me!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Day #4, January 27, 2011
It's somewhere around 3 p.m. and we are at Karanga camp, which is at 13,106 ft (3,995 m) above sea level. Today we hiked only until lunch, which was about 4-5 hours. It was pretty challenging physically though, as we had to climb up and down the rocks using both hands and legs. At the very end of the climb it got quite steep and I was really tired. Thank God there was an amazing lunch waiting for us!
Today was the first time I was bothered by something since the beginning of the climb 4 days ago. I might as well say it point blank: it all started with a toilet. When I was booking my trip I ordered a private toilet. It seemed like the only way I could survive during the climb and remain a human:) It was not very expensive and I am happy I decided to have it. It's completely okay with me that 7 guys from my climbing group are using it. But it makes me angry when some other people I don't even know, don't only use it without asking, but also leave it dirty... Though what can you do in a camp of may be 50 or more other people? Put a lock on it? Stay on guard there all the time? It's completely out of my control and the only way I could have avoided this, would be not to have ordered the freaking toilet. In this case I would deprive myself of this convenience, but at the same time there would be no need to share it with people who can "abuse" it.
SHARING. This is why I don't like sharing in general. I judge people who "abuse" or "mis-use" or do what they actually want with something I share. Though the question is, why does it bother me? Why is it so important that I allow myself to be triggered by this?
It looks like I feel uncomfortable when I have no control over something that I consider as belonging to me. The truth is that neither I nor anybody else in this world own or have control over anything. We all SHARE everything there is in our lives, but we tend to forget about it. Yes, I had to pay that extra money for the private toilet and I know I can use it any moment I need in the camp. So what if other people are using it? What if they leave it dirty? I can either be annoyed or angry for the rest of the climb, because it's out of my control, or choose not to react this way. And my reaction is something I can control.
Those people are not different from me. I am what they are and they are what I am. Separation is an illusion. And so is abuse. Nobody can abuse me or what I share, if I don't allow myself to be abused.
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom".
Viktor E. Frankl
As we were climbing today very slowly, somebody from my group mentioned patience. They referred to how slowly we were moving and the delayed gratification a.k.a. lunch, which was waiting for us at the top. Tomorrow is the Big Day and first we hike for several hours to the camp, rest until midnight and then head towards the summit...
When I think about patience in regard to Mount Kilimanjaro, I start realizing how patient one needs to be to get to the summit. We've already been walking slowly for 4 days. Tomorrow is yet another day before we start the final ascent. If I look at the whole picture and how much preparation, training, putting together all the gear, contemplating it has taken me since November 15th, 2010, I guess I can have a lot of intimidation around reaching the summit and fear that I might not be able to do it. It feels as if I am finally about to reach my goal and get what I wanted for so long, but I am not sure it will happen.
I am convinced that we are born with our dreams. And that we don't own them, but they are given to us to bring into life. Therefore we shouldn't identify ourselves with them. When we do our best, it's already precious and as important as realizing a dream. In fact, it's possible to live one's life like this every day.
Being present in our own life every day, doing our best is similar to realizing a dream. By doing this we reach our summit again and again, with every breath we take. In this case patience comes naturally, because we don't wait for anything or anybody. We are happy with what we have and where we are right now.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Day #3, January 26th, 2011
It's around 8 p.m. and I am getting ready to go to sleep. Today we made 10 km (6 miles) and right now we are at Barranco camp at the altitude 13,044 ft (3,975 m). Right before lunch we went as high as 15,190 ft (4,630 m) to Lava Tower where we had lunch and then descended back to help us with acclimatization.
I am so glad we did that, because during lunch time I felt quite unwell and very tired. My head was heavy and I couldn't even eat in the dining tent, because for some reason it made me feel dizzy. I took my chair and plate out and was able to finish eating...
As the altitude was decreasing, the heaviness in my head was rapidly going away too. Therefore when we approached the camp I already felt so much better!
The guides said that tonight is going to be a very cold night and I am wearing leggins, fleece pants, ski pants, 2 pairs of wool socks, 3 upper layers and a soft-shell jacket as well as a down jacket on top! I don't remember sleeping like this ever in my life. I guess there is a first time for everything:) Oh, and by the way, I am also sleeping in a sleeping bag inside a tent:) I usually get cold very easily and have to put on a ridiculous amount of clothes to keep me warm. Having grown up and lived in Russia most of my life, I never got used to the cold and never liked it. But now it doesn't really bother me. Nothing bothers me here. Including not being able to take a shower for 3 days already:) Attitude can be anything I choose it to be.
This morning we saw some really nice views of Kilimanjaro. It did look like a giant killer whale again, dark grey, almost black with stripes of white.
Then it disappeared for the whole day. Just a little while ago, before going to the tent we saw a veil of mist slowly vanish revealing a beautiful lady of a mountain basking in the light of numerous stars. It felt as if she was observing us, rather than us looking at her. She was silent, very graceful, peaceful and still. I felt almost maternal warmth coming from her...
Why did you want me to come and climb you?
My face is tingling right now because of Diamox. It tingled most of the day together with palms and feet. I drink plenty of water, especially in the morning and in the evening. We have to drink at least 1 gal (about 3 liters) a day.
I've been really happy for the past several days, since I came to Tanzania and started climbing the mountain. I didn't feel afraid, nervous or worried even for a moment. It all seems very natural to me, despite the fact that I cannot say I am an outdoorsy person. I enjoy to be surrounded by very nice people here. My group is fantastic and the guides, porters, cooks and everyone else are sweet and kind. I also like that everything is taken care of, each day is planned and there is no confusion about what to do or where to go. I have a warm feeling of belonging, being a part of a group and responsible only for doing what everybody else is doing. In other words, there is no real responsibility like you encounter in real life and all major choices are already made for you, so you just go along with them. It seems much easier to make the steps created and planned for you by someone else! It reminds me of being a child and my parents guiding me along the path of life and taking care of me...
It's quite expensive to climb Kilimanjaro, but while you are climbing it, money ceases to exist. You don't have it on you and you don't even think about it. At the same time you have everything you need. It's so beautiful to be happy with what you have without waiting for anything else to make you happier. Why cannot we always be so satisfied with our lives?
I guess, there is no need to know right now, why I am climbing Kilimanjaro. I think it will be revealed to me in its own time. But I am definitely delighted to be doing this and I am enjoying every step I make!
Tomorrow is another beautiful day and it's supposed to be quite an easy one with hiking for only 4-5 hours.
I am about to go to sleep, even though it's still sort of early. I can already hear the wind outside getting stronger. It promises to be a very cold night - I am going to embrace it anyway. It's the night I have and I wouldn't trade it for another! I am also curious if the pile of clothes covering my body will be any good:)
Also, I think I am starting to fall in love with Mount Kilimanjaro...
I am so glad we did that, because during lunch time I felt quite unwell and very tired. My head was heavy and I couldn't even eat in the dining tent, because for some reason it made me feel dizzy. I took my chair and plate out and was able to finish eating...
As the altitude was decreasing, the heaviness in my head was rapidly going away too. Therefore when we approached the camp I already felt so much better!
The guides said that tonight is going to be a very cold night and I am wearing leggins, fleece pants, ski pants, 2 pairs of wool socks, 3 upper layers and a soft-shell jacket as well as a down jacket on top! I don't remember sleeping like this ever in my life. I guess there is a first time for everything:) Oh, and by the way, I am also sleeping in a sleeping bag inside a tent:) I usually get cold very easily and have to put on a ridiculous amount of clothes to keep me warm. Having grown up and lived in Russia most of my life, I never got used to the cold and never liked it. But now it doesn't really bother me. Nothing bothers me here. Including not being able to take a shower for 3 days already:) Attitude can be anything I choose it to be.
This morning we saw some really nice views of Kilimanjaro. It did look like a giant killer whale again, dark grey, almost black with stripes of white.
Then it disappeared for the whole day. Just a little while ago, before going to the tent we saw a veil of mist slowly vanish revealing a beautiful lady of a mountain basking in the light of numerous stars. It felt as if she was observing us, rather than us looking at her. She was silent, very graceful, peaceful and still. I felt almost maternal warmth coming from her...
Why did you want me to come and climb you?
My face is tingling right now because of Diamox. It tingled most of the day together with palms and feet. I drink plenty of water, especially in the morning and in the evening. We have to drink at least 1 gal (about 3 liters) a day.
I've been really happy for the past several days, since I came to Tanzania and started climbing the mountain. I didn't feel afraid, nervous or worried even for a moment. It all seems very natural to me, despite the fact that I cannot say I am an outdoorsy person. I enjoy to be surrounded by very nice people here. My group is fantastic and the guides, porters, cooks and everyone else are sweet and kind. I also like that everything is taken care of, each day is planned and there is no confusion about what to do or where to go. I have a warm feeling of belonging, being a part of a group and responsible only for doing what everybody else is doing. In other words, there is no real responsibility like you encounter in real life and all major choices are already made for you, so you just go along with them. It seems much easier to make the steps created and planned for you by someone else! It reminds me of being a child and my parents guiding me along the path of life and taking care of me...
It's quite expensive to climb Kilimanjaro, but while you are climbing it, money ceases to exist. You don't have it on you and you don't even think about it. At the same time you have everything you need. It's so beautiful to be happy with what you have without waiting for anything else to make you happier. Why cannot we always be so satisfied with our lives?
I guess, there is no need to know right now, why I am climbing Kilimanjaro. I think it will be revealed to me in its own time. But I am definitely delighted to be doing this and I am enjoying every step I make!
Tomorrow is another beautiful day and it's supposed to be quite an easy one with hiking for only 4-5 hours.
I am about to go to sleep, even though it's still sort of early. I can already hear the wind outside getting stronger. It promises to be a very cold night - I am going to embrace it anyway. It's the night I have and I wouldn't trade it for another! I am also curious if the pile of clothes covering my body will be any good:)
Also, I think I am starting to fall in love with Mount Kilimanjaro...
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