My heart always goes there, where my mind doesn't dare

It was morning of February 12, 2011, Saturday. I got up early to go to school, the University of Santa Monica, where I am in my 2nd year of an M.A. program in Spiritual Psychology. We study every second weekend of the month, and classes begin on Friday night. So, the night before was the day of my share about climbing Kilimanjaro. I made it a part of my 2nd year project, in which we are required to choose a heart-felt subject or task to complete. Even though my actual climb was over on January 31st, it was after the share with the class that I felt "completely complete". When I woke up on Saturday, I felt that I lost something important, something that made my life interesting and exciting, something to look forward too. I felt that I lost the taste for adventure...

I don't know why I am 'blessed' with this extremely curious and inquisitive mind of mine! Truly, the ennui of ordinary days becomes unbearably colorless if I am not looking at a possibility of adventure... My heart always goes there, where my mind doesn't dare:) I felt that if I continue following my heart, then the 2nd part of my Project should also be adventurous. My intention was to continue to be inspired and to experience my life to the fullest. What could I do next?


“What do you want to do?” - I asked myself getting into shower, which had been running for the past 5 minutes, getting warm and ready for me to step in. “I don't know...” - I responded dragging my words, wondering if the water was right for me. “Would you like another adventure?” - my own candid voice persisted. “Yeah. That would be nice!” - I sounded more enthusiastic. “How about learning Martial Arts and going to Shaolin to practice with the monks?” - this question came out of nowhere and thrust itself onto my mind exactly at the same time as I felt warm water tenderly stroking my hair. “That sounds just marvelous!!!” - I got very excited at my own inventiveness and completely gave in to the morning shower...

Okay, very well. Where do I go from here? That very day I started checking out various schools of Martial Arts in Los Angeles. Because of the necessary travel element to Shaolin, I was considering Wushu as my main priority...

It's fascinating how serendipity jumps into your life once you decide what you want to do. I was very lucky and within a couple of days met a girl from my class who recommended a particular Martial Art's school. It also turned out that I live 15 minutes away from it and the parking is very easy. Yay! I found the time and went to check out a Wushu class as soon as I could. It was just like I imagined: sharp, precise moves, lots of energy, fast reactions. It looked amazing! And I instantly felt that it was NOT for me. There was a sort of disappointment growing in my chest, but I decided to linger and ask some questions. A very nice and sweet young man came up to me at the end of the class. He turned out to be one of the students as well as assisting teachers. I explained my desire to start taking Martial Art's lessons, but was not sure if Wushu was right for me... I also told him that I see Martial Arts more as a dance, rather than a fight and music is quite essential to me. "You should come on Saturday and check out our Tai Chi class!" - he said with enthusiasm. "We have a great group with very nice people and they would be happy to have you".

I felt very encouraged and determined to come and see what Tai Chi looks like. It was Saturday, a week after I realized that I want to do Martial Arts. For some reason it was very hard for me to wake up that day and it took me longer than usual to get ready. It was clear to me that the best I could do at that moment was to show up at the class 15 minutes before it was over. I still decided to do it. After I talked to the Teacher and Tai Chi students I knew that I should definitely try it out. So I promised to be back on Monday morning...

It was so hard for me to go to the first class! I got up on time and everything was okay, but my resistance was uncanny! My heart was beating heavily and I was simply terrified. "What's going on?" - I asked myself calmly. "I don't think I can go there." - it felt like the voice of my inner child responding to the adult within me. "It's okay. You don't have to go if you don't want to do Martial Arts, we'll find something else" - I continued to be very patient with myself. "It's not that I don't want to do Martial Arts. I want to and I really liked Tai Chi, but I am afraid what if I don't like doing it?" - I heard a lot of fear in my own voice. A fear of commitment to something I was not sure about. "Well, there is no other way to find it out, but by trying it. Why don't we go to the class and tell the Teacher that we want to either simply observe it or to participate without having to buy a monthly membership. If the fear becomes too overwhelming we can always go back home. I am going with you, so you should know that I am fully supporting you and always by your side."

It might sound strange that I had a dialogue like this with myself, completely in my head. But don't we all do that? Most often we critize or judge ourselves, making our lives even more uncomfortable than they already are. It is easier to attack our flaws, fears and imperfections and make them into emotional mountains impossible to climb. For some reason beating ourselves up comes more naturally than supporting ourselves and providing the help, understanding and love that we so much need. At the fragile moment of my indecisiveness and fear about such a simingly trivial thing as going to a Tai Chi class for the 1st time, I felt that I could take my own hand and take myself there. I was very gentle and loving, just as one would be with a child. We might act like adults, but we never really grow up. And our childhood dreams never grow old.

Since I was a child I loved Martial Arts! I remember watching a TV program about Shaolin monks every Sunday afternoon, which was on for some time. I would watch it with my entire family and it gave me a very warm feeling inside. An inexplicable feeling of belonging. I have no explanation why it was evoked by monks doing Martial Arts in Shaolin, but I definitely remembered this feeling and held it in my heart all this time.

I am very happy that I was able to take myself through the fear of going to the 1st Tai Chi lesson and starting to do something I've never done before. After the class I knew that I totally love Tai Chi and bought the required uniform of a black T-shirt, black pants and keds as well as a memebership for a month. I felt that my new adventure has just begun!