The Last Day

Today is the last day and the last entry in my Kilimanjaro Diary. I feel a little bit sad that it is all over. This diary has been my good friend since November 2010 and played an essential role in my preparation for climbing Kilimanjaro and for the climb itself. It taught me to be honest with myself, to support myself, to listen to myself. I laughed and cried in my diary, felt helpless, annoyed, scared, happy, excited, enthusiastic - I went through all sorts of emotions and climbed the mountain:)

We got back to Springlands hotel in Moshi early afternoon on January 31, 2011. It took us about 4 hours to get from Mweka Camp at 10,065 ft (3,068 m) to Mweka Gate at 5,380 ft (1,640 m). Going down a stony trail seemed endless! I was talking a lot with guys from my group and there was nothing or little said about Kilimanjaro. I didn't have any feeling of accomplishment or achievement. If I had no memory of climbing this mountain, I could easily say that I didn't do it. It felt like nothing had changed. I couldn't see any change in myself either, except for my face, which got so bitten by the wind and burnt by the sun, that I was barely able to recognize it... It was red, very dry, scratchy and hurt a lot when I put aloe vera on it.

The funny thing was that while we were climbing Kilimanjaro for 7 days I didn't use a mirror at all. In everyday life we see our faces when brushing teeth, or combing hair, for girls - putting on make-up, or checking out our clothing fit. We familiarize ourselves with our face with the help of the mirror, because we never really see it otherwise. I always found it amazing that we can easily see other people's faces, but never our own... For 7 days of not seeing my face I almost forgot what I looked like. I also thought that through this climb something inside me will change and it will somehow be reflected in my face. So I was really looking forward to seeing my "new" face. It turned out that I could hardly bear looking at myself in the mirror! I so much wanted to enjoy the rest of my stay in Tanzania and 5days of safari fully, without having to be distracted by itching, scratching, hurting and feeling uncomfortable all the time. I was extremely proud of myself for going to Africa and climbing Kilimanjaro, but I just wanted to have my "old" face back...

I remember sitting outside my safari tent in Serengeti in the evening right before dinner. There was a symphony of sounds playing all around me: persistent crickets, a far away thunderstorm, people chatting in a gazebo, a moan of some large animal at a distance... Fresh and cool air, tender breeze lightly stroking the grass. And in that beautiful and tranquil moment I almost burst out crying.

I couldn't say that I had some huge expectations from Kilimanjaro. I took one step at a time and really enjoyed being present throughout 3 months of preparation and the climb itself. I treasured every single moment, I imbibed all sensations, I embraced all experiences. When the climb was over, I was still on my adventure and having a wonderful safari, but I stopped feeling present. I completely flipped over. I felt as if my heart was moaning, spreading the sound across Serengeti, joining other numerous sounds in a spontaneous composition of the African symphony, reminding me of my humanness... In a couple of days I was flying back to Los Angeles, where my whole life situation was sort of hanging in the air. For about a year I've been transitioning into Intuitive/Spiritual Counseling career, still not being able to make a living with it. Continuously studying, relying on unemployment and having to take care of myself. I chose to live in a foreign country, leaving my entire family in Russia. I don't have a regular job, and thrive on helping people with their spiritual growth. Nor do I have this special person in my life with whom to share all the joys, sorrows, wonders and love... Even though I do have many beautiful friends, it sometimes feels so damn scary and lonely!

...and then I suddenly remembered my Psychosynthesis homework assignment at the University of Santa Monica I did in April, 2010. The best I can describe it as a meditation or self-hypnosis. I chose the exercise of "The Inner Dialogue" in which you are required to go on top of the mountain and see what will come forward to you...

First I saw myself in a valley, I was a little girl, may be 10 y.o. I was wearing a lavender-printed dress and was picking up flowers. I felt very happy and relaxed. Then my attention was drawn to the mountain and I was supposed to embark on my journey there, but I didn’t seem to have any sense of readiness or expectancy. I was lingering around the flowers and felt very distinctively that there was my voice calling for me to go into the forest and start proceeding towards the mountain…
Then, all of a sudden, I saw another me, already an adult, wearing jeans and a
sailor’s striped t-short with long sleeves, climbing up the mountain. I felt the sharp stones with my feet and hands. After awhile they were bleeding and hurting. I sat down on a big stone and started crying. I was upset and in pain. When I calmed down, I continued my way up and once I got enveloped by the cloud, all my wounds healed and as if I became weightless. I stood up straight and was walking up like this quite easily.

When I reached the very top of the mountain, I felt very refreshed, my clothes were very clean and I was even wearing shoes. I started walking along the plateau, and at a distance I saw a luminous point. It approached me and I saw that it was white light, it enveloped me and as if transcended into me. It was quiet, I could hear my breathing, but there was nothing else happening and I didn’t see anybody.

Then I saw a bench and sat down on it. I felt very calm and relaxed. I turned around and saw a pond and decided to drink some water. I leaned towards it and saw my own eyes in the reflection. They were staring at me, as if they were not my own eyes, but somebody else’s. The next moment many swans landed on the pond and bowed their heads in front of me. A male figure started approaching from the other side of the pond and he looked like a King. He was walking on the water and he was wearing royal clothes and a crown. In his hand he was carrying another crown.

I was standing in front of him when he came up closer. On each side of the pond there were swans with their heads bowing down. The King put the crown onto my head and gave me his hand to help me up onto the pond. I proceeded on the water towards the throne I could see on the other side. The King was following me. He helped me up on the throne and kneeled next to me.

Thus I was sitting on the throne in my tight blue jeans, wearing a striped sailor’s t-shirt with long sleeves and a crown on my head. And then I heard the voice: “You don’t have to worry about anything. You will always be completely taken care of” And I said “But what about work? I need to work!” “Queens do not work” – I heard the reply. I felt very balanced, empowered, whole and full of gratitude. “Thank you. Thank you very much” – I repeated several time and then asked again: “When will I be taken care of in my present situation?” And the answer followed: “You are being taken care of right now, with every breath that you make”

I was amazed by the experience I had doing this exercise and at the same time very disconcerted. How was I supposed to take this “Queens do not work”? I got laid off a week before and was looking for a new job. Then I heard my inner voice asking me:
"What do you think Queens do?"
"I don’t know. I am not a Queen." - And a dialogue between my mind and the voice in my heart began.
"What if you are? A different kind of Queen, not the one people are usually used to?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if inside of you there is so much power and energy that can only be compared to that of a manifestation of a Queen?"
"Okay, I can believe that."
"What prevents you from using this energy?"
"I am scared of it."
"Why are you scared?"
"I am scared that I won’t be able to use it …"
"Does it make you happy when you withhold it?"
"No, it makes me feel quite miserable…"
"Remember, you always have a choice. Inside your heart you know what makes you happy. By choosing to be miserable you avoid following the passion of your heart. Having done this for so many years you have gotten used to the comfort of repeated misery. It is by choosing to be happy you will become responsible for your life and will be able to come into your full power which will allow you to blossom."
"Yes, I know this. It is the little girl. The little girl who remained in the
valley picking up flowers being afraid to go through the dark forest…. The grown-up me climbed up the mountain hurting her feet and hands, but she did it anyway. I really want to go back to the exercise and help the little girl go through the forest. It is really important for me to do this!"
"Please do. I will keep the space for you communicating with the little girl."
"Thank you…"

And so I went to meet the little girl in the valley, but it was already night. The starry sky was overwhelmingly beautiful and the moon was shining its light on the field of flowers. The little girl was exactly where she stayed before, she was still picking up the flowers. I came up to her and we started talking.

When I asked her if she could go through the forest, she said no. She didn’t want to
explain why, and her resistance was very strong. Surprisingly, I didn’t get angry, just hugged her and said that I love her. Then she opened up to me and said that she was afraid to grow up. She didn’t want to go through the forest, because it would make her a grown up and then I wouldn’t need her and she wouldn’t know how to live. I started crying, tears were coming out with so much force and my heart was beating
incessantly as I continued to hug the little girl, continuing to tell her how much I love her...

Through my tears I asked her for help. I said I would not be able to do anything without her help, that she is the strongest, most creative part of me which I would never dare to let go of. She looked at me calmly and said: “Okay, I will help you. I will go through the forest”. As she was walking along the moon-lit path in the forest, a white dove flew above her. She was very confident and devoid of any fear. She approached a little meadow filled with beautiful white flowers. She walked into the middle, and as she did, the white warm rain started pouring onto her. It continued until her entire body became luminously white. As she was exiting the forest the sunrise was emerging and I could see her as a shining spot approaching the mountain. At the mountain she turned into a white dove and flew up to
the top effortlessly. The dove was wearing a little lavender flower on the neck.

On top of the mountain it was already morning and everything was lit up by streaming
golden light. The dove saw me as the Queen sitting on the throne surrounded by white
swans and landed on my shoulder. I picked her up on my palm and brought closer to my
face. “Thank you for doing this for me”, I said. The dove nodded her head. I lifted the dove up in the air just as I was standing up and the peaceful grace that entered my heart at that moment was incomparable to anything I had experienced before…

By remembering the psychosynthesis experience on that night in Serengeti, I realized once again that there is no need for me to feel scared or lonely. There is no need to feel sorry for the fact that my Kilimanjaro adventure is over and that I practically do not know what to do next. There is no need to linger on any sadness, because life is too beautiful not to be present in every moment of it. Let it be. Let yourself be.

"My intention is to enjoy every moment of my life to the fullest. My intention is to be present. My intention is to be happy. My intention is to simply be and embrace who I am." - I surrendered to the darkness of the African night, which obscured my face and ignited the light in my heart. Kilimanjaro was somewhere there in the dark as well, I couldn't see it, but I knew of its presence. I also remembered what it felt like to climb to the very top and see the vast endless sky. "We should live closer to the sky," - I thought. "We should always follow the dreams in our heart, because, probably, this is what life is all about".