Fear

It's the hardest for me to write anything when I try to think how it will look like. I start groping for words, while they run away from me like naughty children trying to make me catch them. I set out to chase them, but cannot take a single step. I feel helpless. I feel exposed. I feel like a failure.

Even climbing Kilimanjaro doesn't seem enough to feel that I accomplished anything in my life. For the past several weeks I've been mostly contemplating what's going on inside me, trying to see if it makes any sense. It doesn't. I am completely self-absorbed, stay in my head most of the time and continuously judge myself. Will this ever stop?

The other day I went hiking with some friends to Hollywood sign. It reminded me of the hike I took with my girl-friends on January 1st. At that time I was preparing for Kilimanjaro climb and had to wear my hardcore hiking boots and a 20-pound backpack. This time I didn't have to carry any extra weight, except for my emotional baggage. We decided to take a short cut, which was pretty steep and I simply couldn't help competing with one of my friends... I was convinced that he was competing with me too and it made me upset. I remembered my dear brother, who is 9 years older than me and who I looked up to so much when I was a child! His approval meant a lot to me and I went out of my way to get his acknowledgement and to be considered equal... This goal was never achieved, I just somehow grew out of it. Though it didn't grow out of me. It stayed inside and is still triggering the old wound...

The next day I found my face red. As red as it was after Kilimanjaro climb. It made me realize that I have allergy for the sun lotion I've been using. Yet again my insecurity kicked in. How will I go to Tai Chi class with such a red face? What will people think of me? I look horrible! I felt very exposed yet again. There was no way I was missing Tai Chi class, so I went and...survived.

How does one get out of their head? Is it even possible to stop internalizing every single experience? I am very embarrassed about it and want to hide. But I am confessing for a hundredth time that I think about myself all the time. I've gotten used to this comfortable and illusory state of human oblivion. I have absolutely no idea how to find an exit and step into my freedom...

May be this is why I decided to participate in the Martial Arts Tournament, which will take place on May 28th. Not being able to deal with my own ego, feeling exposed and helpless, the only thing I can think of is jumping right into my fear. So what if I forget the moves? So what if I fail? The worst that can happen is that everybody will see me doing the wrong move. But deep in my heart I know that it won't change who I am. Nor my unbearably red face is capable of doing it either. Being imprisoned by the judgements of my own mind I am chosing to face them. Hold on there! It's not that easy to stop me, even if I am trying to do it myself:)