Patience

It's always been a challenge for me to be patient with whatever I do. Either it's waiting in line or getting something I really want or simply being patient with myself. I sometimes think that being patient means losing time.

One of the most important things I am learning in Tai Chi is to follow the time flow, rather than pushing it. The movements are very slow and precise. Having repeated Form 24 a number of times, this excersise might seem even boring. Breathing steadily in, the belly fills with air. Breathing gradually out, the belly goes in. Palms are crossed and slightly touch the belly. Simple sounds of Chinese music float in between the breaths. In...out. In...out.

We begin to breathe right after we warm up a little bit and before we start practicing Form 24 and the Form with the sword. I always have a feeling that instead of an hour, the class lasts at least 2 hours. I can easily follow the Master showing movements more or less accurately. But for some reason I don't seem to be able to memorize and repeat by myself even the beginning of the Form...

Breathing in...breathing out.

It often frustrates me that I cannot learn everything I want right now. Why are 2 months not enough to remember such an easy form? Why don't my legs and hands listen to me? Why, in the first place, don't I have anything to say to them?

Breathing in... breathing out.

I am planning on participating in International Los Angeles Wushu Tournament on May 28th. I already mentally signed up for it with the only hope that I will be able to learn all the moves by then... There is a part of me that is terrified by this upcoming event and I cannot even think clearly about it. Because it is so terrifying, it is easy for me to say that I am postponing to think about it whatsoever. It looks like in certain cases I do get patient...

Throughout my childhood I felt like I wanted to be in control of the calendar and time in general. I wanted things to happen at the time I planned them and pushed myself to grow up faster. All year round I would want to speed up the days to make summer approach as soon as possible. But everything would always happen and come in its own timing...

Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...

When I like something I want it to last forever. When I want something I want it the moment my desire appears. I can clearly see my attachment to the result. Or to the idea of the result. When you think about things happening the way you planned, it feels very safe. It feels that you are in control of your life in this world. Ironically, it is one of the biggest illusions we buy into to make our life less scary. Impatience is probably the desire to get to the comfort of an accomplished plan as soon as possible in order to feel safe.

Though if we truly know that we are not able to change anything, why bother to waste our energy on the anxiety, obsession and worry which come hand in hand with impatience? Obviously, surrender has never been perceived by the mind as a victory. Surrender is regarded more as a failure. Surrender is a loss. Or is it really?
Looking at how much energy we lose by freaking out about things, being stressed, overwhelmed, annoyed, and altogether unhappy - in which case do we lose?

Breathing in, breathing out. I am stabilizing my breath the best I can. I am lucky I've been practicing yoga for 2 years now, so I know a little bit about breathing already... The moves will come to me when it's time. Everything will work out. Just like my mind and my body are available to me. The space and time in which I live are available to me too. There is no need to push or rush. If I am looking for a change I can set an intention and follow my heart towards it, but I will never know where exactly it will take me. This is the essence and the mystery of life. This is how we sign up for our dreams - not knowing what exactly will come out. The dreams come through us like everything else does. We can support them, but cannot control.

Breathing in, breathing out.

All we can control is focusing our attention either on our breathing or anything else. The choice is always ours.

"Thank you very much for your patience" - the Master said at the end of the class...