Respect

I have been taking Tai Chi classes for about 2 months now:) Once I got myself to the 1st class, it all seemed right and comfortable. My group varies from 10 to 5 people and we excersise 3 times a week Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. I started with only Monday and Saturday classes, but after I decided to participate in the Inernational Los Angeles Wushu Tournament, I thought that adding 1 more hour to my routine is essential. Yes, as crazy as it sounds I am going to perform at the tournament:) What compelled me to do so? Overwhelming fear. I am comletely and utterly terrified of learning Tai Chi moves and then performing in front of a large amount of people as well as judges! But my thinking is that "if it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger", therefore I am all up for a new experience of pushing my own boundaries. It is also a good way to establish my practice of getting back to the awareness of "I have a body, but I am not my body. I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts". Truly, whatever I am doing has nothing to do with who I am:)

My practice has been going well so far, with the only exception that I am completely in my mind. We've mostly been doing Form 24 and occasionally Form 48. On Mondays we excersise with the sword, but I still have no idea what that Form is called or if it has any name at all... I repeat the movements okay. I usually follow the Master or other students who know what they are doing, so it's been not very hard in this regard. But every time I am asked to show Form 24 by myself, my mind seems to go blanc and I barely remember any moves at all! I have no explanation for this phenomenon, but it makes me feel pretty helpless... I am also a little annoyed when I cannot follow this or that move. I instantly start thinking that I look ridiculous and that I embarass myself by not remembering the right moves... It's nice to at least write about where I want to be in my practice. From I can figure out so far - definitely not in my mind.

I like that we all wear the same uniform, including the Master. It reminds me about equality and the absence of better or worse. One of the greatest lessons I learned last week was about RESPECT. Before we enter the carpet where the training is to take place we do a "Salute" pressing the fist of the right hand against the pointed up palm of the left hand. By this gesture we show respect to the space where the training is about to take place. When we exit the carpet, we salute again to say "Thank you. Goodbye". Of course, I might be mistaken about the exact meaning, but from what I heard from other students in class, it seems to be right.

While I was finding out all this information, it dawned on me, that in the same way I might as well show respect and gratitude to my body for allowing me to participate in this training! Once I dis-identify myself from my mind and my body, I start feeling how much unconditional love I can give to myself. I don't do anything, I do not achieve anything, no do I take credit for anything. I simply hold the space for myself to follow my heart and support myself in realizing my full potential. In this space there is no better or worse. There is no "not good enough", as well as no blaming, beating up, critisizing or judging. Supporting myself with things that my heart wants to do is one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me!

This is also one of the reasons why I want to participate in that Tournament. Being completely new to this practice and having to jump through all the obstacles created by my mind, I willingly offer all the support I need to myself. In supporting myself through this experience I am showing all my respect to everything there is. I respect who I am, exactly the way I am.