It's raining in LA today... It started raining last night and as I was falling asleep the sound of the rain drops on the window felt like a message in Morse code, calming me down and assuring that everything will be okay. The air this morning smelled fresh and vulnerable. This is exactly how I feel.
So, yesterday I tried to blog about my second day of Kilimanjaro climb and just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I looked at the pictures and thought it would be nice if I had more of them. I read my journal and started recollecting everything in detail, which seemed almost too technical and without any philosophical speculations. Then I looked at the list of all the names and contact info of 7 guys from my climbing group and had an urge to get in touch with them and ask them how they are doing. At that moment 7 days of the climb and my group seemed more like some sort of an illusion. I clearly remember that it all happened and I have evidence that it did, but there is no way of returning to it. It is similar to a loss when someone dies...
I've been resisting to wash some of the clothes from the climb for more than a week now. There are a couple of things which require gentle wash and I decided not to take them to the laundry, and rather wash them with my hands... I've been feeling very weird about doing it, especially when I think about my ski pants which protected me so well from cold and wind during the ascent to the summit. I remember taking them off at Barafu camp, where we got back after reaching summit and where we spent the day before. They were all covered in dust and looked grey instead of their usual black color. I turned them inside out and packed in a couple of plastic bags not to spread the dust all over my duffel bag. They are still in those plastic bags, and even a thought of taking them out and washing brings tears to my eyes...
The climb ended on January 30th and then I had 5 more days of safari. I arrived from Tanzania on February 5th and immediately plunged into meeting with friends, doing Spiritual Counseling and preparing for school weekend. Climbing Kilimanjaro was a part of my 2nd year project at the University of Santa Monica, where I am in my second year studying for an M.A. in Spiritual Psychology. On Friday night I shared my experience with the class, which is comprised of more than 200 students. I felt my heart being very open and full of gratitude to my teachers and every single student, whose presence was so tangible during the climb. My share felt more like a real completion of the climb. It was the exclamation mark at the end of a sentence I've been writing for the past 4 months. In every word in this sentence I put so much effort, joy and love. I literally sweated it out, bonded with it, got attached to it. I completed the sentence and stepped into the void.
It didn't feel like the void at first. On Saturday morning I woke up and realized I had some ennui. As the day went by and I got busy with my school, life seemed exciting again. On Monday I let myself be mellow and mostly rested. Yesterday I couldn't bring myself to do anything either. Today I realized that my ennui is not gone, that it's sitting on its usual place on the floor in front of my computer screen and finally I have to face it.
ENNUI. In Merriam-Webster Dictionary the definition of "ennui" is "a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction : boredom", "the kind of ennui that comes from having too much time on one's hands and too little will to find something productive to do". The origin of "ennui" is French, from Old French "enui" - annoyance, from "enuier" to "vex", from Late Latin "inodiare" to make loathsome. Synonyms are: blahs, doldrums, boredom, listlessness, restlessness, tedium, weariness.
I've experienced ennui since I can remember myself. It envades my life in waves. I can always expect it after some kind of an adventure or a meeting with friends, an amazing book I just read or a film that touched me - anything that kept my intellect stimulated and my emotions high. It reminds me of a fire which is fading out and doesn't give any more warmth. The coldness sucks me in and makes me very helpless and weak. It's very uncomfortable and feels like a waste of time.
One of the great expectations I had from Kilimanjaro is that it will allow me to discipline myself. I was convinced that having a training routine for 3 months will be essential for my body getting used to excercise and my mind adopting a structure it can follow to be productive. Ooooops, what a surprise! Like all great expectations, this one fell through.... And it's hard, it's really hard to deal with ennui again!
All that matters right now is that I joined the dark clouds in the sky and poured all my thoughts out together with the rain. My determination to be here for myself is more important than anything else. I've noticed that throughout these days of ennui, for the first time in my life I've been remarkably gentle with myself. And even though my expectation of being disciplined didn't come true, I've gained something else. My spirit has learned to communicate with my body in a more profound way and my body knows how to listen and follow my spirit. The spirit always perseveres.
"My intention is to be strong. My intention is to feel well. My intention is to be safe. My intention is to reach the summit" - the memory of setting my intentions during the final ascend starts tingling my heart, just like Diamox pills tingled in my hands, feet and face when helping me to acclimatize to the high altitude. "Pole, pole" - "Slowly, slowly" - this is how you get to the top of Kilimanjaro. And this is exactly how I need to get back to living and enjoying my everyday life without having to train or climb the mountain. My intention is to continue to be gentle with myself, like the gentle wash I am going to do with my dusty ski pants which served me so well when I needed them.
"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose" - these words of Yoda I read yesterday on the page of one of my Facebook friends. My ennui is merely a fear of losing the taste of adventure and excitement in my life, a fear of being buried under the dust of uneventful days, a fear of mediocre waste of time. But guess what: it's all an illusion. I cannot possibly lose what I AM. Because I AM the Adventure, I AM the Excitement, I AM the Spontaneity, I AM the Taste of my life, whether it is spicy, sweet, sour, salty, tart or any other. And I am so happy to be able to share it openely with other people!
Sometimes one just needs more time to acclimatize to low altitude before gaining it high again:)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Day #0 (Arrival), January 22-23, 2011
So, here I am in Tanzania! Laying on a bed in my room in Springlands hotel in Moshi. A fan is circulating the air around, restlessly moving the mosquito net hanging from the ceiling. It's past 1 a.m. and I arrived in Kilimanjaro International airport at 9:30 p.m.
It took me about 25 hours to get here, leaving Los Angeles at 8:30 a.m. on January 22, making a connection in NY to fly to Amsterdam and then another 8 hour flight from Amsterdam to Kilimanjaro. I was sleeping most of the time, so the trip seemed easy.
The night before my departure I only got 1 hour of sleep, finishing up my packing and making sure all the details are taken care of. I dozed off around 3:30 a.m. and it felt as if I jumped into a black hole. It was very dark, quiet and warm. The sound of my alarm clock at 4:30 a.m. brought me back to my room with a packed duffel bag, backpack and another smaller bag I was going to take with me on the plane. Ski pants, sweater, fur vest and hiking boots were patiently waiting to be put on. I didn't have to worry if my duffel bag gets lost or delayed during the flight. I was wearing or taking with me on board all the necessary things for the climb.
As I was going through the security check at LAX, one of the guards asked me if I was flying to Minnessota in those ski pants. "No, I am flying to Tanzania where I am going to climb Kilimanjaro" - I responded with a smile, realizing that I am truly on my way. He looked at me in bewilderment and let me through. It was 7 a.m. and I had enough time to call my brother and my Mom in Moscow. I never told my Mom that I was going to Tanzania all by myself. I told her that I was going skiing with a friend and decided to tell the truth when I get back. It felt so much nicer not having to worry if my Mom will have a heart attack worrying about me:)
Quiet, uneventful and peaceful flights from Los Angeles to New York and from New York to Amsterdam. It was morning of January 23rd in Amsterdam and I had about 3 hours of layover. When I got to my departure gate to Kilimanjaro, I instantly spotted several people with backpacks wearing Asolo hiking boots. I felt like I belonged to some private club where members are identified by the attire. We were all people of different ages, nationalities, gender, background, etc., though we were all on the same mission. There was no need to talk to each other or discuss anything. We knew exactly what we were doing separately, but the feeling of togetherness and belonging was sweetly spreading in my chest.
I fell asleep right after a delicious meal (that's what they say on each meal box at KLM) and woke up just as we were about to land. It was dark and my window was not showing any specific African features. I was surprised to see so many city lights. For some reason I was convinced that electricity was a rare commodity in Africa. I guess I should just watch TV more often:)
Once we got out of the plane and started walking towards the airport building, I was catching the wind with my face, closing my eyes and as if trying to swallow it with my mouth. It was very fresh, cool and had a delicate flower scent. It was the opposite of dusty, still and melting in the heat air that I imagined. I bought my visa for $100 and walked out to the baggage area. I was happy to see carts and even happier to get my duffel bag, which was neither delayed nor lost. I gently pushed my way to the exit from the small, but very organized and neat Kilimanjaro airport. I immediately met a representative from Zara Tours with two guys from my climbing group, who seemed very sweet. We waited a bit longer for other people heading to the same hotel and when the bus was full and the bags secured on the roof, we started driving.
You know how it is, to arrive in a country where you've never been before and how much you want to see everything you can see. For me it all starts with looking from the window:) It was almost 10 p.m. and darkness was hiding my first Tanzanian views. I could still see trees on each side of the road, people walking or riding a bike, the stars... And then against the dark body of the sky I suddenly saw an even darker silhouette of Mount Kilimanjaro... She was like a shy lady, barely noticeable, very timid and yet grandiose. I was looking in her direction over and over, feeling an excitement rising in my chest and my heart beating faster. Exactly the feeling you have when you haven't seen your beloved one for a long time and the meeting is finally very close. "Why? Why did you ask me to come here? Do I know you?" - I asked the Mountain. She looked at me quietly and it was the only answer I received.
"After you've travelled for 25 hours, brushing teeth seems unnecessary" - was a remark of a middle-aged woman on the last flight. I couldn't agree more! Though I just brushed my teeth before going to bed and should probably finish writing and go to sleep. I have less than 5 hours left before I wake up, take a shower, go for breakfast and then.... Actually, I am not thinking about what happens then. Right now all I have to think is about getting some good 5-hour sleep. Let's see if the net above my bed will protect me from sneaky mosquitos!
It took me about 25 hours to get here, leaving Los Angeles at 8:30 a.m. on January 22, making a connection in NY to fly to Amsterdam and then another 8 hour flight from Amsterdam to Kilimanjaro. I was sleeping most of the time, so the trip seemed easy.
The night before my departure I only got 1 hour of sleep, finishing up my packing and making sure all the details are taken care of. I dozed off around 3:30 a.m. and it felt as if I jumped into a black hole. It was very dark, quiet and warm. The sound of my alarm clock at 4:30 a.m. brought me back to my room with a packed duffel bag, backpack and another smaller bag I was going to take with me on the plane. Ski pants, sweater, fur vest and hiking boots were patiently waiting to be put on. I didn't have to worry if my duffel bag gets lost or delayed during the flight. I was wearing or taking with me on board all the necessary things for the climb.
As I was going through the security check at LAX, one of the guards asked me if I was flying to Minnessota in those ski pants. "No, I am flying to Tanzania where I am going to climb Kilimanjaro" - I responded with a smile, realizing that I am truly on my way. He looked at me in bewilderment and let me through. It was 7 a.m. and I had enough time to call my brother and my Mom in Moscow. I never told my Mom that I was going to Tanzania all by myself. I told her that I was going skiing with a friend and decided to tell the truth when I get back. It felt so much nicer not having to worry if my Mom will have a heart attack worrying about me:)
Quiet, uneventful and peaceful flights from Los Angeles to New York and from New York to Amsterdam. It was morning of January 23rd in Amsterdam and I had about 3 hours of layover. When I got to my departure gate to Kilimanjaro, I instantly spotted several people with backpacks wearing Asolo hiking boots. I felt like I belonged to some private club where members are identified by the attire. We were all people of different ages, nationalities, gender, background, etc., though we were all on the same mission. There was no need to talk to each other or discuss anything. We knew exactly what we were doing separately, but the feeling of togetherness and belonging was sweetly spreading in my chest.
I fell asleep right after a delicious meal (that's what they say on each meal box at KLM) and woke up just as we were about to land. It was dark and my window was not showing any specific African features. I was surprised to see so many city lights. For some reason I was convinced that electricity was a rare commodity in Africa. I guess I should just watch TV more often:)
Once we got out of the plane and started walking towards the airport building, I was catching the wind with my face, closing my eyes and as if trying to swallow it with my mouth. It was very fresh, cool and had a delicate flower scent. It was the opposite of dusty, still and melting in the heat air that I imagined. I bought my visa for $100 and walked out to the baggage area. I was happy to see carts and even happier to get my duffel bag, which was neither delayed nor lost. I gently pushed my way to the exit from the small, but very organized and neat Kilimanjaro airport. I immediately met a representative from Zara Tours with two guys from my climbing group, who seemed very sweet. We waited a bit longer for other people heading to the same hotel and when the bus was full and the bags secured on the roof, we started driving.
You know how it is, to arrive in a country where you've never been before and how much you want to see everything you can see. For me it all starts with looking from the window:) It was almost 10 p.m. and darkness was hiding my first Tanzanian views. I could still see trees on each side of the road, people walking or riding a bike, the stars... And then against the dark body of the sky I suddenly saw an even darker silhouette of Mount Kilimanjaro... She was like a shy lady, barely noticeable, very timid and yet grandiose. I was looking in her direction over and over, feeling an excitement rising in my chest and my heart beating faster. Exactly the feeling you have when you haven't seen your beloved one for a long time and the meeting is finally very close. "Why? Why did you ask me to come here? Do I know you?" - I asked the Mountain. She looked at me quietly and it was the only answer I received.
"After you've travelled for 25 hours, brushing teeth seems unnecessary" - was a remark of a middle-aged woman on the last flight. I couldn't agree more! Though I just brushed my teeth before going to bed and should probably finish writing and go to sleep. I have less than 5 hours left before I wake up, take a shower, go for breakfast and then.... Actually, I am not thinking about what happens then. Right now all I have to think is about getting some good 5-hour sleep. Let's see if the net above my bed will protect me from sneaky mosquitos!
Monday, February 7, 2011
I am back!
I am back home, safe and sound:) And cannot wait to get back to my blogging! I was writing a journal every day of Kilimanjaro climb and will be transfering all my entries into this blog during the coming month. So, in blog-time, my 7-day climb will be completed some time in March 2011.
I am very excited about re-living my experience once again through writing with the help of my journal notes and memory. I am happy to be able to share my feelings, thoughts and things I learnt with other people, who are climbing their own mountain, literally or figuratively:)
"And when you reach the top of the mountain, keep on climbing."
I am very excited about re-living my experience once again through writing with the help of my journal notes and memory. I am happy to be able to share my feelings, thoughts and things I learnt with other people, who are climbing their own mountain, literally or figuratively:)
"And when you reach the top of the mountain, keep on climbing."
Friday, January 21, 2011
Home
First of all I must say that I simply LOVE SKIING! I had such a wonderful trip to Whistler, Canada! No words can express the beauty of sliding down a mountain, knowing that all you have to do is to control your legs and the snow will take you exactly where you need to be:) I took a full day ski lesson with an instructor on Tuesday and then successfully practiced by myself on Wednesday. Thursday was my last day and in the morning a friend and I went riding on snowmobils (yet another wonderful thrill!) and in the afternoon I took a half day lesson and was able to ski down green and partly blue trails. Because of all the hiking I had done, my legs were very strong, but it took me some time to make them listen to me. Once they got what was required of them, I didn't need to "talk" anymore, just allow myself to be in the peaceful white silence. I found skiing very meditative and calming. Yet it's such a great workout! I am so glad I went on this spontaneous trip:)
It is almost midnight and I am feeling tired. Tired in a very sweet way. I also managed to go to my friend's birthday party somewhere in between my arrival, packing, final preparation and blogging. I still need to do a couple of little things and 5 hours after I will wake up and will head to the airport.
How do I feel? As I was driving home around 10:30 p.m. having met with wonderful people at my friend's birthday and having heard encouragement and blessings from them, having talked to other friends on the phone and via all other means of communication, I was cherishing a very warm feeling in my heart. The song of Carla Bruni "La possibilite d'une ile" was beautifully enveloping all my senses and it really felt like "a moment in which there exists a possibility for an island". It is a feeling of being home exactly where I am right now.
I feel very present and whole. My hands and legs are a bit sore from skiing and my mind is a bit tired, but my heart is completely alert and full of grace. My packed bags are peacefully standing on the floor beside me and some other things are still scattered around waiting to be carefully packed. I polished my toe nails with my favorite cherry-red nail-polish. I will be the only one who will know that they look very pretty inside my hardcore hiking boots. I will put them on tomorrow morning, as well as the warmest pants I have and a cute fur vest on top of a sweater to keep me warm during the 25-hour flight to Tanzania. My bagpack is completely packed for the trekking, so I don't even have to worry if my luggage gets delayed or lost. Everything I need I am taking with me on board, including the delicious buffalo jerky and chocolate:)
In the past I used to care how my words look and whether my thoughts are worth expressing, but I don't seem to care about it anymore. I am expressing myself freely and I don't care if this writing means anything or not.
What I do care about is that I am on a wonderful journey with my best friend. Myself:) It's been so significant to get to know myself and to become my own friend. Somebody I trust, believe in, respect and love. Like everybody else I have my moments, but I learnt to accept and appreciate myself no matter what. I love to be around myself!:) I know how it might be perceived selfish at times. To be honest, I have never been so present, attentive and empathetic with other people like I am these days. When I look into someone's eyes, I see so much wonder, possibilities, learning opportunities and desire to love and be loved. I recognize their beauty and intelligence. I truly enjoy to be there for them.
Every time I look into someone's eyes I feel there is a possibility for an island, for creating a feeling similar to that of BEING HOME. This is the highest peak I've ever been to and this is where I would like to take everyone, into whose eyes I look.
I've been drawn to Kilimanjaro like to a magnet for more than 2 years. And finally, I am going there. My intention is to fully embody my experience, to breathe in the melting air of tropics at the bottom of the mountain and the ruthless cold at the summit. My intention is to be gentle and supportive to myself and other people in my group. My intention is to be present with every step I will take. My intention is to embrace the mountain with my heart as a symbol of my wonderful life, full of adventure, amazing experiences, endless gratitude and eternal love.
It is almost midnight and I am feeling tired. Tired in a very sweet way. I also managed to go to my friend's birthday party somewhere in between my arrival, packing, final preparation and blogging. I still need to do a couple of little things and 5 hours after I will wake up and will head to the airport.
How do I feel? As I was driving home around 10:30 p.m. having met with wonderful people at my friend's birthday and having heard encouragement and blessings from them, having talked to other friends on the phone and via all other means of communication, I was cherishing a very warm feeling in my heart. The song of Carla Bruni "La possibilite d'une ile" was beautifully enveloping all my senses and it really felt like "a moment in which there exists a possibility for an island". It is a feeling of being home exactly where I am right now.
I feel very present and whole. My hands and legs are a bit sore from skiing and my mind is a bit tired, but my heart is completely alert and full of grace. My packed bags are peacefully standing on the floor beside me and some other things are still scattered around waiting to be carefully packed. I polished my toe nails with my favorite cherry-red nail-polish. I will be the only one who will know that they look very pretty inside my hardcore hiking boots. I will put them on tomorrow morning, as well as the warmest pants I have and a cute fur vest on top of a sweater to keep me warm during the 25-hour flight to Tanzania. My bagpack is completely packed for the trekking, so I don't even have to worry if my luggage gets delayed or lost. Everything I need I am taking with me on board, including the delicious buffalo jerky and chocolate:)
In the past I used to care how my words look and whether my thoughts are worth expressing, but I don't seem to care about it anymore. I am expressing myself freely and I don't care if this writing means anything or not.
What I do care about is that I am on a wonderful journey with my best friend. Myself:) It's been so significant to get to know myself and to become my own friend. Somebody I trust, believe in, respect and love. Like everybody else I have my moments, but I learnt to accept and appreciate myself no matter what. I love to be around myself!:) I know how it might be perceived selfish at times. To be honest, I have never been so present, attentive and empathetic with other people like I am these days. When I look into someone's eyes, I see so much wonder, possibilities, learning opportunities and desire to love and be loved. I recognize their beauty and intelligence. I truly enjoy to be there for them.
Every time I look into someone's eyes I feel there is a possibility for an island, for creating a feeling similar to that of BEING HOME. This is the highest peak I've ever been to and this is where I would like to take everyone, into whose eyes I look.
I've been drawn to Kilimanjaro like to a magnet for more than 2 years. And finally, I am going there. My intention is to fully embody my experience, to breathe in the melting air of tropics at the bottom of the mountain and the ruthless cold at the summit. My intention is to be gentle and supportive to myself and other people in my group. My intention is to be present with every step I will take. My intention is to embrace the mountain with my heart as a symbol of my wonderful life, full of adventure, amazing experiences, endless gratitude and eternal love.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Stepping out of my comfort zone
There is so much comfort in driving along the same street listening to the same music! A deep feeling of familiarity is sweetly spreading in my chest with every sound of a piano variation on the Kanon by Johann Pachelbel performed by George Winston. As I am driving on Oakwood St. all the way from La Cienega until I turn left on Citrus and continue on Rosewood to cross Highland at the convenient street-light and find myself in a quiet corner of Hancock park area where I've lived for the past 2.5 years. It's longer than I lived anywhere else in this country since I came here in August 2006 from Moscow, Russia.
I just dropped off my visiting girl-friends at the Beverly Center and got back home to finish up some things and to prepare a little Marilyn Monroe tour for them. Later this afternoon we will be driving along the places where she used to live in Los Angeles. I like to share with my friends my love and appreciation for this beautiful woman...
As I was driving home I suddenly started praying "Please God, help me with everything. Make sure that everything goes smoothly before and during my trip to Kilimanjaro!" Now that my physical preparation is officially over and the only thing left to do is to pack my gear/clothes into a duffel bag and a day-pack, I decided that there is no need to sit at home the whole next week and wait for the day of my departure on Saturday, January the 22nd. I took on my friends' offer to join them for skiing in Whistler, Canada. I am flying to Vancouver on Monday morning and coming back on Friday evening, just in time to catch a breath, change clothes and fly to Tanzania.
I simply couldn't help stacking up my trips! No matter how safe and practical I like to be in my life, when the wind of adventure is calling me, I show up willingly. It didn't stop me that I never skied before and that it's not the safest kind of sport. Nor did I consider a possibility of a return flight's delay, if the weather changes its mood. And I think this is excatly what makes me feel very alive right now. Very alive, present and happy. I feel like I am living my dream. That I manifested everything I've ever wanted and now I simply need to embrace it without any doubts or concerns.
I just dropped off my visiting girl-friends at the Beverly Center and got back home to finish up some things and to prepare a little Marilyn Monroe tour for them. Later this afternoon we will be driving along the places where she used to live in Los Angeles. I like to share with my friends my love and appreciation for this beautiful woman...
As I was driving home I suddenly started praying "Please God, help me with everything. Make sure that everything goes smoothly before and during my trip to Kilimanjaro!" Now that my physical preparation is officially over and the only thing left to do is to pack my gear/clothes into a duffel bag and a day-pack, I decided that there is no need to sit at home the whole next week and wait for the day of my departure on Saturday, January the 22nd. I took on my friends' offer to join them for skiing in Whistler, Canada. I am flying to Vancouver on Monday morning and coming back on Friday evening, just in time to catch a breath, change clothes and fly to Tanzania.
I simply couldn't help stacking up my trips! No matter how safe and practical I like to be in my life, when the wind of adventure is calling me, I show up willingly. It didn't stop me that I never skied before and that it's not the safest kind of sport. Nor did I consider a possibility of a return flight's delay, if the weather changes its mood. And I think this is excatly what makes me feel very alive right now. Very alive, present and happy. I feel like I am living my dream. That I manifested everything I've ever wanted and now I simply need to embrace it without any doubts or concerns.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Being me
Well, tomorrow is oficially the last day of my physical preparation for Kilimanjaro. And it is also my birthday. They suggest that it is better to stop training 2 weeks before the climb in order to let your body rest. I am really very excited about resting these days:)
This week has been challenging for my training, because I was in Las Vegas with my friends for 4 days and didn't have the usual opportunity to hike in my favorite Griffith Park. Therefore I "hiked" along the Strip for 5 hours 2 days in a row! I must tell you that those were some of the most strenuous hikes I've ever had! At least my legs and feet were in ridiculous pain and my eyes wished they were looking at a more natural and spiritually enriching landscape... I still got a chance to get out and go to Redrocks, 30 minutes away from the city of vanity and hiked for another couple of hours along the ancient Indian camp-sites. A beautiful treat for the soul:)
Today my 3 visiting girl-friends went on a tour to San Diego, while I stayed home and have enjoyed simple things, like sleeping in, going for a short run, going out for breakfast with a friend, polishing my nails and now making this entry in my blog. Such a peaceful and beautifully uneventful day! A friend of mine called and asked what I would like for a birthday present, thinking that I might still need something for Kilimanjaro trip. I told her that I have prepared and packed pretty much everything and the only thing I am missing is a mascara for eye-lashes. She started laughing at the thought that I might want to use a mascara during my climb:) Of course, I won't! Therefore it is something I can use before and after the climb:) Nor will I need polished nails or lipstick or even a shampoo or body cream. There will be no showers, very little water and it will be freaking cold. This is probably the reason why I am the only woman in a group of 8 people. Having had 3 girl-friends staying with me for the past 2 weeks, now I realize more than ever that the absence of an opportunity to beautify herself is catastrophic for a woman. Not taking a shower for 7 days is more so. Not being able to pee in a restroom any time the need comes is terrifying even for me...
But I don't care nonetheless:) I am not going to climb Kilimanjaro to impress anybody, including myself. I don't need to parade it or to seek acknowledgement for it. I just feel happy that I had this strange dream which felt so good that I found it in me to pursue it. I am proud that I am allowing myself to follow my heart, no matter how far, deep or high it will take me. I am trusting myself. I really trust that I know what I need and that I am able to take care of myself in any situation. There is so much peace and comfort I am feeling inside me, as well as gratitude for simply BEING ME.
Tomorrow I am turning 33. 2 weeks from tomorrow I will start climbing Kilimanjaro for 7 days with 7 men. I am blessed to have the most amazing friends in my life. I am the happiest person alive, because I have been creating a Spiritual Counseling career, my ultimate heart's calling with which I am able to help people at a very deep level. Even though I don't have a relationship at this moment and my future is very obscure, my heart is full of love, gratitude, peace, joy and happiness. I am happy to be alive and I am happy to be me, just the way I am.
P.S. Of course, I need an eye-lash mascara! I am a woman after all:)
This week has been challenging for my training, because I was in Las Vegas with my friends for 4 days and didn't have the usual opportunity to hike in my favorite Griffith Park. Therefore I "hiked" along the Strip for 5 hours 2 days in a row! I must tell you that those were some of the most strenuous hikes I've ever had! At least my legs and feet were in ridiculous pain and my eyes wished they were looking at a more natural and spiritually enriching landscape... I still got a chance to get out and go to Redrocks, 30 minutes away from the city of vanity and hiked for another couple of hours along the ancient Indian camp-sites. A beautiful treat for the soul:)
Today my 3 visiting girl-friends went on a tour to San Diego, while I stayed home and have enjoyed simple things, like sleeping in, going for a short run, going out for breakfast with a friend, polishing my nails and now making this entry in my blog. Such a peaceful and beautifully uneventful day! A friend of mine called and asked what I would like for a birthday present, thinking that I might still need something for Kilimanjaro trip. I told her that I have prepared and packed pretty much everything and the only thing I am missing is a mascara for eye-lashes. She started laughing at the thought that I might want to use a mascara during my climb:) Of course, I won't! Therefore it is something I can use before and after the climb:) Nor will I need polished nails or lipstick or even a shampoo or body cream. There will be no showers, very little water and it will be freaking cold. This is probably the reason why I am the only woman in a group of 8 people. Having had 3 girl-friends staying with me for the past 2 weeks, now I realize more than ever that the absence of an opportunity to beautify herself is catastrophic for a woman. Not taking a shower for 7 days is more so. Not being able to pee in a restroom any time the need comes is terrifying even for me...
But I don't care nonetheless:) I am not going to climb Kilimanjaro to impress anybody, including myself. I don't need to parade it or to seek acknowledgement for it. I just feel happy that I had this strange dream which felt so good that I found it in me to pursue it. I am proud that I am allowing myself to follow my heart, no matter how far, deep or high it will take me. I am trusting myself. I really trust that I know what I need and that I am able to take care of myself in any situation. There is so much peace and comfort I am feeling inside me, as well as gratitude for simply BEING ME.
Tomorrow I am turning 33. 2 weeks from tomorrow I will start climbing Kilimanjaro for 7 days with 7 men. I am blessed to have the most amazing friends in my life. I am the happiest person alive, because I have been creating a Spiritual Counseling career, my ultimate heart's calling with which I am able to help people at a very deep level. Even though I don't have a relationship at this moment and my future is very obscure, my heart is full of love, gratitude, peace, joy and happiness. I am happy to be alive and I am happy to be me, just the way I am.
P.S. Of course, I need an eye-lash mascara! I am a woman after all:)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
HOLLYWOOD 1-11-11
Does anybody blog on January 1st at all? Or is everything closed?:) Well, I did go for a hike with my friends today, so I figured I might as well make an entry in my blog.
Today we hiked to the Hollywood sign and it turned out to be the most challenging trail I've ever been on. My friends and I decided not to follow most of the tourists to a safe spot close to the sign to take pictures. We climbed further up, which felt more like crawling. I was very committed to carry my 20-pound backpack with me, and now and then it would get stuck somewhere between sharp branches of frequent bushes, push me towards the ground or drag me backwards. I thought that this is what it must be like during unpredictable Kilimanjaro climb. When we were almost a hand away from the sign, a mysterious voice from a speaker warned us: "It's enough. You can stop now. You are tresspassing and should go back". We did pass a couple of cameras along the trail and it was obvious that somebody must have been watching us while we were trying to get closer to the sign.
Even though I have lived in Los Angeles for 4 years, I have never been that close to the famous Hollywood sign. We couldn't help taking more and more pictures, being excited at the closeness of the symbol of dreams coming true. Isn't it what every New Year's day is for? 10 minutes into taking photos we heard the mysterious voice again, which proved we were not hallucinating, but really hearing it. "You should go back right now, I am warning you for the last time. Happy New Year!"
We retreated and started climbing down. At some point it was not clear which path to take and I volunteered to go down first. As I slowly descended to the next step while girls were waiting for me, I realized that I am pretty much hanging above the hill with only loose dirt under my feet and my hands holding on to some tree branches. It was the wrong path and there was nothing underneath. My backpack was holding me down and I couldn't fathom climbing up to where I came from. F***!
Pretty much hanging out there on loose dirt I felt pretty calm for someone who never did it before. I just thought that I am learning to survive under extreme circumstances and should now act appropriately. I got on my knees and grabbing the branches, started pulling myself up towards my worried friends. 3 minutes later I was safe and dirty.
The excitement in my heart didn't go away. I felt very adventurous, brave and strong. There was nobody on this obscure trail with a 20-pound backpack and nobody who almost fell off the hill. I knew that I didn't have to push myself so hard, it sort of happened on its own, while I was following where I wanted to go. But this little experience made me convinced that I am ready for the Kilimanjaro climb, which will start 24 days from now. I have been training for almost 3 months and I am stronger than I have ever been, even after the wild New Year's party and champagne in the morning!
It was so beautiful to get closer to the symbol of dreams coming true on the New Year's day. Every wish I have ever made on this day was "Let all my dreams come true!" So it was twice as symbolic.
I am so blessed to have 3 wonderful girl-friends visiting me from Moscow for the holidays and my upcoming birthday! I always feel that my friends are angels who surround me everywhere I go. I can feel them in my heart very strongly. I am, grateful to the Universe for each and every friend I have or will have. And from the bottom of my heart I am sending them my warmest wishes for the coming 2011! As well as to all other people who are in my life. It is such a wonderful experience to be a human and to live this life in a body and to be able to do all these amazing things. I am joyfully and lovingly embracing my friends and this beautiful world, a wonder of a human life unfolding in its own time and space, unveiling to me who I really am and letting me simply BE... Happy New 2011 Year! Love and Light:)
Today we hiked to the Hollywood sign and it turned out to be the most challenging trail I've ever been on. My friends and I decided not to follow most of the tourists to a safe spot close to the sign to take pictures. We climbed further up, which felt more like crawling. I was very committed to carry my 20-pound backpack with me, and now and then it would get stuck somewhere between sharp branches of frequent bushes, push me towards the ground or drag me backwards. I thought that this is what it must be like during unpredictable Kilimanjaro climb. When we were almost a hand away from the sign, a mysterious voice from a speaker warned us: "It's enough. You can stop now. You are tresspassing and should go back". We did pass a couple of cameras along the trail and it was obvious that somebody must have been watching us while we were trying to get closer to the sign.
Even though I have lived in Los Angeles for 4 years, I have never been that close to the famous Hollywood sign. We couldn't help taking more and more pictures, being excited at the closeness of the symbol of dreams coming true. Isn't it what every New Year's day is for? 10 minutes into taking photos we heard the mysterious voice again, which proved we were not hallucinating, but really hearing it. "You should go back right now, I am warning you for the last time. Happy New Year!"
We retreated and started climbing down. At some point it was not clear which path to take and I volunteered to go down first. As I slowly descended to the next step while girls were waiting for me, I realized that I am pretty much hanging above the hill with only loose dirt under my feet and my hands holding on to some tree branches. It was the wrong path and there was nothing underneath. My backpack was holding me down and I couldn't fathom climbing up to where I came from. F***!
Pretty much hanging out there on loose dirt I felt pretty calm for someone who never did it before. I just thought that I am learning to survive under extreme circumstances and should now act appropriately. I got on my knees and grabbing the branches, started pulling myself up towards my worried friends. 3 minutes later I was safe and dirty.
The excitement in my heart didn't go away. I felt very adventurous, brave and strong. There was nobody on this obscure trail with a 20-pound backpack and nobody who almost fell off the hill. I knew that I didn't have to push myself so hard, it sort of happened on its own, while I was following where I wanted to go. But this little experience made me convinced that I am ready for the Kilimanjaro climb, which will start 24 days from now. I have been training for almost 3 months and I am stronger than I have ever been, even after the wild New Year's party and champagne in the morning!
It was so beautiful to get closer to the symbol of dreams coming true on the New Year's day. Every wish I have ever made on this day was "Let all my dreams come true!" So it was twice as symbolic.
I am so blessed to have 3 wonderful girl-friends visiting me from Moscow for the holidays and my upcoming birthday! I always feel that my friends are angels who surround me everywhere I go. I can feel them in my heart very strongly. I am, grateful to the Universe for each and every friend I have or will have. And from the bottom of my heart I am sending them my warmest wishes for the coming 2011! As well as to all other people who are in my life. It is such a wonderful experience to be a human and to live this life in a body and to be able to do all these amazing things. I am joyfully and lovingly embracing my friends and this beautiful world, a wonder of a human life unfolding in its own time and space, unveiling to me who I really am and letting me simply BE... Happy New 2011 Year! Love and Light:)
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