I wanted a perfect ending...

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next...
Gilda Radner



I also wanted a perfect ending or at least a perfect beginning. For what? Probably for the story of my life where I find myself now, pretty much in the middle and still have no idea what to make out of it. At this point in my life I am without a real job or a relationship. I am studying Spiritual Psychology, do Spiritual/Intuitive Counseling and hike in my preparation for Kilimanjaro climb in January 2011. I have 2 months left to be fully prepared. But I don't even know what exactly it means - to be fully prepared for Kilimanjaro climb, because I have no idea what to expect...

I am joining a group of 7 people and I am going to be the only woman. Will it be okay? I guess so, I already paid for my trip, therefore I won't be different in this regard. Will I be as strong as those men? Will I be able to adjust to increasing high altitude? Will I not freeze to death in my little tent in a rented sleeping bag? How will I manage not to take a shower for 7 days? Well, at least I ordered a private bio-toilet, a little plastic box to sit on, so I won't have to use the long dropped one which didn't seem a very accomodating option for me... What else? Bugs? Merciless sun? Unavoidable blisteres? Are they going to include meat in our meals? All of these mostly silly questions don't bother me as much as this one: to better adjust to high altitude I will have to drink lots of water and I will constantly want to pee. How am I going to do this in the middle of trekking?!

Obviously, I have no clear beginning of my Kilimanjaro diary and I don't know if I will ever be able to reach the famous Uhuru Peak, which in translation means the Peak of Freedom. Nor do I know if I will be able to reach the top of my emotional mountain and climb my feeling of being excluded, not accepted, probably not fitting into a certain group of people, a family, a nation, a spiritual community. Can you even climb something which is an illusion, a completely fabricated feeling, but feels so real that you believe in it with all of your heart?

I don't know. All I know is that today I had a beautiful 2,5-hour hike with a friend of mine and now in the comfort of my home, making an entry in my diary I feel that every muscle of my body is smiling as if filled with the energy of the sun. It is so easy to feel the strength in my legs, my lean stomach, my hands eager to write and my head more present and less obsessed with thoughts than it oftentimes is. And it feels like such a perfect ending of this little entry and a perfect beginning of my Sunday.